


Priceless

by Binaryoutliar



Category: Naruto
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Character Death, Depression, M/M, Post-Naruto Time Skip | Naruto Shippuden, bringing this shit back from the dead
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-08-24
Updated: 2017-09-13
Packaged: 2018-02-14 14:12:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 6
Words: 9,845
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2194800
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Binaryoutliar/pseuds/Binaryoutliar
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>His love was as great as the oceans, though he had never seen the seas. His heart was as broken as the earth, though he never belonged among men. It was like living blindly, and Naruto didn’t know where to go from there.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Epilogue

**Author's Note:**

> Well here is the epilogue for a piece that I am particularly happy with. Hope you guys like it, and please review if you have the time

Naruto had never been one for crying. He had long since learned that it was the shinobi way to hold them back and to let the rivers flow freely inside rather than opening the floodgates and risk your whole village. Circumstances are different, of course, based on such and in this current situation, alone in a faraway corner of the Hokage’s mansion, an 18 year old Naruto knew that he had nothing to lose. He gripped tightly to the metal headband, letting its worn edges dig into his palm as tears flowed in steams onto the floor. He reached desperately into his soul, searching for some sort of will to stop this maddening circle of crying that came when the pain in his hand became nearly too much to handle. It was nothing though, compared to what was going on inside his head.   
“Naruto.” Kurama whispered, strangely empathetic. “stop this nonsense or you will give the both of us a headache.”  
He couldn’t stop though. Wiping his nose, Naruto tried his hardest to taper into sniffling tears with little luck. The flow became less constant though, and within the hour, he was sitting on the bench, sunlight no longer streaming in through the nearby window as night rolled in.  
The headband that he held so tightly to was speckled in blood, though not any that belonged to the owner. It was nearly crushed in Naruto’s hand as the memories came flooding back to him, nearly sending him back into soul crushing sobs.   
“Willful resistance.” Kurama’s voice came from the back of his mind, trying his best to console him. Naruto paid it no attention though, too overcome with his own grief to hear his companion.  
“Sasuke…” He squeezed even tighter to the headband, mimicking the ever growing tightness in his heart.   
Did Sakura know, he wondered. What about Kakashi? He hadn’t even made it out the door by the time he was overcome, having to seek refuge in a distant corner of the Mansion. For that matter, Tsunade hadn’t even finished explaining. It was when aforementioned article was placed in his hands that the torment had begun, guilt and sorrow wracking his entire being. It would be a miracle that the others hadn’t been informer before him – it seemed that he was always the last to know things these days.  
“Forgive me Sasuke.”   
Perhaps, he thought, if he had been more capable from the beginning, he would have been able to bring him home sooner, and this end would never have come to fruition.   
“He didn’t want to be found.”   
His guilty conscious wouldn’t let him hear it though – they were like empty promises to Naruto. It felt, to him, like there was a hole where his heart used to be, reminding him that his entire being was being torn in two, as Sasuke took part of his heart with him. That part belonged to him – it was no longer a heart that was one person, but two hearts made of two halves. Naruto reminded himself to breath, choking on the air that permeated his lungs. It was thick and heavy and was treated like some volatile liquid. His chest tightened even more, squeezing his soul of all its life, letting it come out in more congested sobs.   
A hand came to rest lightly on his shoulder. Naruto looked up, meeting with the swimming green eyes of his other, long time companion. Sakura’s eyes were also dancing with tears as she failed to hold back her emotions, succumbing to the call of mourning. She kneeled down, Naruto’s eyes following her, their gazes never parting. When she was at last on her knees, a sob, cold and dying, broke way through her throat as tears came pouring out of her eyes. Naruto, who’s crying had ceased for a moment, began to weep once again as well.   
A moan escaped his throat and it felt like his mind was being tortured into submission by his own miserable self. Depression loomed overhead like a dark and ominous cloud, a storm coming quickly. He could feel his heart being ripped into shreds, a feeling he thought that he would never know. It was a feeling that he wished he could forget. With his one free hand, Naruto clung to his shirt, gripping at the fabric that hung near his chest. A roaring scream tore through his body. Sakura, who still knelt by his feet, scrambled backwards in surprise. The tears began to slow even more swiftly as shrieks continued to escape Naruto’s body. It was all he could do to even remotely contain himself.  
Kurama had quieted himself long ago, realizing that there was nothing he could do to console his friend. It was a feeling that he was unaccustomed to, and it too caused his very being to shatter, sending shrill heartache throughout his enigmatic body.   
By now, several other Jounin had gathered near the corner, peeking around the corner, watching as their future Hokage relinquished all power into lamentation, a fight which he knew he could not win. Shikamaru, amongst the other Jounin, hung his head low, knowing full well what this meant to Naruto – that the fight he had tried so hard to win had been lost.   
So many years had passed, Shikamaru had barely even noticed it happening, but it seemed that his friend’s obsession had turned into an all-consuming one. These, he knew, were not tears for a fallen comrade. They were tears of fallen love, like the ones he had shed for Asuma – it seemed like only yesterday.   
Every instinct told him to go to his comrade, though he knew full well that it would do no good. A heart could only be fixed by the one that had torn it into pieces, and this person hadn’t done so intentionally.  
The other Jounin understood as well, keeping their distance from the two Shinobi. Even Sakura, who hadn’t hesitated to approach Naruto, began to back away slowly, realizing that there was nothing she could do for him. Even she wasn’t blind to what had come to culmination over the past few years. She had watched it with even more perceptive eyes than any of her peers, recognizing the undying will that Naruto held as something she too knew all too well.   
The crowd watched in sorrow as the man they had all looked up to broke in their very midst. They had all assumed it would happen one day, though over something much larger. This though, felt earth shattering to the young man. Like a wave crashing down on him, it pressed all of the air from his lungs and all of the hope from his world. It was like dying but even more painful and it showed in the screams that tore through the mansion. Villagers on the street stopped to look up at the building, wondering what on earth was going on. The Hokage sat in her office, scolding herself for telling him like she did.  
Sasuke was dead.  
The phrase rang through his mind at blinding speed, numbing his mind to all other senses. Nothing could calm the storm for now, as it ripped through the inside of Naruto’s soul. It was a pain so unimaginable, so unbearable, he thought that he might die from it right there, sitting on that bench.  
“Sasuke!” he shrieked hysterically. The other ninja began to cry then too, feeling it in their own hearts – the loss of their comrade, if you could even call him that. But as Naruto screamed his name, it sent shivers down their spines, the humanity of their god coming into light. He was a boy, they all remembered. He was breaking at the loss of someone very dear to him.


	2. No One Really Wins

His gaze swept across the streets below him, barely tracing the features of each and every person that walked through the afternoon sun. Hungry eyes yearned for sharper angles than the ones they were given. They spared only glances at the people below, knowing that none of them would fit the written bill for onyx on silken white.  
Naruto stared passively over the tops of the village buildings, elbows and arms hanging limply off his knees, back hunched. Exhaustion began to sweep his mind, the sun now setting beyond the gates. How long had he been up there, atop the 4th Hokage’s statue? He didn’t know, but his fading chakra told him that it had been long enough- no, it was never long enough.  
Back cracking as he stood, the young ninja started on to the village, channeling chakra into his feet to aid in his journey. He found it hard to concentrate though, speed wandering, as his heart was not with him at that moment, nor had it been for weeks. As he slowed, villagers began to take notice of his presence as well as his unsettling demeanor. Naruto had been gone for a long time- they could all see that. What was left was simply an empty shell, left searching, wandering aimlessly, for the other half that would once again bring Naruto home.   
The floor of the apartment was cold and saturated with dust and stains. Clothes were thrown haphazardly across chairs and the foot of the bed, plenty of other knick knacks taking up all space on the floor. Never the less, Naruto flopped uncharacteristically onto his bed, landing face first.  
It felt as if there was a large weight pressing into his back, pushing all of the air out of his lungs. There was nothing left in him to lift the weight, to ease his own pain. It had all been taken away those many weeks ago – however short it actually had been, it felt like it had been both yesterday and years ago.  
There was animals, mulling through Naruto’s mind, alone inside him without Kurama to keep a watchful eye out. Caspian blue eyes looked to the side, unblinking as they reveled in their loneliness. The stampede never stopped, keeping a quick pace, causing his heart to race at the speed of lightening and a sickening feeling to take rest in his stomach – it had been there for a while now.  
Death felt like a better option at that moment, the pain that was living in his soul too much to bear. It seemed that wasn’t an option though, the ANBU whispered to him wordlessly through their watchful position outside his window. He didn’t know how long they had been there – at least three weeks; that was when he noticed them. It was too much to consider why they might be there – someone was obviously concerned enough to assign them the mission. Were they afraid he would go rogue? Run amuck again? Concern for health never crossed the young man’s mind.   
Depression continued to crush his bones as Naruto stirred for the first time in hours, turning onto his back. His stomach was twisting even more – when was the last time he had eaten? Really, it was too much of a bother to even try. The ceiling was much more interesting, like pebbles in a creek, water moved through them in his imagination, catching the colors of the stones and running brown and silver.   
Outside, the night became bitter and cold, rain pelting at the windows. Naruto’s head snapped in that direction, eyes catching the picture perfect image of water hitting the panes of glass. You could almost hold the individual droplets in your hands, they were so real. They were just within reach to the man, but yet it was like grasping at smoke.   
Like reaching for Sasuke in the darkness of night.   
Pain began to stab at his chest again and a stray tear rolled down his cheek losing itself amongst the others that soon followed, resting on the blankets.  
“Can I invite myself back inside.” A voice growled from somewhere deep in the pit of Naruto’s heart.  
“Bring him back…” Naruto clutched at the sides of his head, grabbing onto his hair in clumps. It was dirty, mangled with sweat and tears and too many other things to distinguish.  
“You go looking, if you are so desperate.”  
Dead.  
The word rang over and over again in his head. No, he couldn’t go looking for Sasuke because he was DEAD. He wasn’t coming back, and that thought just made the pain all the more worse. Like adding salt to a wound, everything began to sting, like when the cut was fresh and he was falling to pieces just outside the Hokage’s door. There was no going back to that – no embarrassing loss of self, although the ANBU had probably seen much worse since then, he thought.   
Oh yes, they had. The broken glass in the living room said as much, remnants of a late night fit of either rage or sadness- it was hard to tell the two apart sometimes. Blood had trickled from his hands that night, raw with distress and the calluses only served as a reminder of what that pain had felt like, in his heart not his hands.   
Yet there seemed to be a nagging, somewhere in the back of his mind. Why else had he spent so long atop his father’s head, than to continue his search for his companion? Such a befitting word – not quite friend, not quite comrade, not quite…something else. Somewhere in between, just like the place that Sasuke held in him, just not quite as big as the piece he had taken.  
The aching of his heart never seemed to stop these days, and sometimes, Naruto found that is was best to wash his hands of the memories.  
He stood, walking towards his door, sliding on his sandals. Not sure where he was going, Naruto stood like a fool in front of his apartment, looking either way down the crowded street. He was vaguely aware of the pitying glances that people were casting in his direction.   
There was an empty bench waiting for him just inside the dango shop. Its cloth doors fluttered when he entered, catching on the breeze outside and he took a seat. Save for himself, the shop was almost empty, not quite late enough, quite past early.   
Naruto didn’t really want to order anything, the anxiety sending his body into a spiral having long since gotten rid of that need. Suddenly, his heart seemed to move from his stomach into his lungs, squeezing the air from his body in a last ditch attempt for him to join his comrade.   
Shikamaru blew smoke away from his face this time, having read the look of pure terror on Naruto’s face.   
“You should see some people.” There was no response from the young blonde man as he said this, too lost in his own head to hear anyone at the moment. In his mind, there were warm hands that were calloused from wrist to fingertip, a man faster than the wind itself that swung through Naruto’s soul with such blinding passion, he couldn’t help but marvel.   
Shikamaru sighed.   
“You gonna talk, idiot?”  
“No.” Naruto’s voice was uncharacteristically dead pan. The only time that Shikamaru had ever heard this voice was in the middle of combat when the other was trying and failing, despite all his strength, to suppress the Ninetails. Given, it had been years since that voice came to realization.  
Sighing, Shikamaru leaned back in his seat, a cigarette hanging loosely from his fingers.   
“I remember the day we lost Asuma.” He shuddered at the memory. “It was like losing a best friend and something more, ya know?  
“Ya…” Naruto closed his eyes, knowing full well which direction this conversation was headed.   
“He was a lot more than my sensei. I loved him too.”  
Tears began to well at the corners of Naruto’s eyes before plinking delicately to the table. It was a balancing act of containing his grief, not only for himself, but for his friend, who, he knew, was also at a loss for words, spewing his secrets like casual chatter.   
Shikamaru too was fighting emotion, blinking back the deftly coming, choked sobs.   
“There isn’t a day I don’t miss him.”  
“If you are trying to cheer me up, this isn’t going to help.”  
“I got you talking though, didn’t I?”  
The blonde man stared intently at his hands – he couldn’t argue with that. Hysteria began to settle in his stomach, reaching for the corners of his eyes with wet, clawing hands.   
“Your sadness – ” Naruto choked on his words, stopping to swallow the rising stomach acid. He sniffed. “It hurts, ya know?” Losing the ever fighting battle, tears began to flow down Naruto’s cheeks in rivers. “Will I always hurt this much?” He wiped his eyes with his sleeves, feeling the dampness on his upper arm.  
“Chose your poison.” Shikamaru said, offering a cigarette to his friend. Naruto shook his head, pushing the idea away. Someday though, he imagined that he would end up falling victim to some sort of soothing method. For him, he though, that might be the chase.  
“I wanna kill those bastards.”  
“An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind.” Shikamaru took a drag from his lit cigarette, blowing smoke towards the sky and watching it dissipate – scatter itself in the wind. “Remember what happened last time someone went out of their way for revenge?”  
It was a rhetorical question. Never the less, Naruto knew the answer, and it swam in his head day in and day out.   
“I’m not looking for revenge. I’m looking for vengeance.” His voice drifted off into the wind as well, fading into the night as he stood from the bench and walked towards the street, leaving Shikamaru in his wake. The forest was calling him – it breathed his name into the air.  
Naruto.  
It beckoned him closer, begging for him to become one with it once again.  
Meditation; that was what he needed to clear his mind. No amount of training or waiting around and mourning was going to sooth his eagerly awaiting mind like emptying it completely of any and all relevant matter.  
Naruto settled into the grass, feeling the prickling of every individual blade on his legs, through his pants. He felt the earth beneath him, damp and cold, and all the creatures that lived within it.   
Tears began to fall even more freely then, as a picture perfect image of an older Sasuke came into mind. His hair was long, flowing in the breeze, and his shirt was open. His skin was scared but flawless and nothing could change Naruto’s mind on that. There was a look of pain on the Uchiha’s face, like having been homesick for far too long, or saying good bye to a best friend.   
Naruto knew what this was. This was the final goodbye.  
Letting go, it seemed, would be even more painful than mourning. Even in his mind, he was reaching for his friend – his companion. There was never ending darkness under his eyes – so many sleepless nights seemed to live there. But Sasuke didn’t leave. He remained a solid figure before Naruto, who grasped helplessly at the air, trying to get closer. He was held at a distance though, never close enough to touch, just enough so that he could make out the scored skin of Sasuke’s bare chest.   
Naruto opened his eyes, having heard his own sobbing despite his entranced state. His face was wet, dripping onto his pants and the ground below. Flowers had sprung up around him and died soon thereafter, squelched by his overpowering grief. It was like a dream, it seemed. He could have looked at that face for an eternity, crying himself sick and breathing in the sweet air of silence and death and everything that Sasuke meant to him.  
Reminding himself to breath, Naruto let out a shaky gasp when he felt, deep inside himself, a hand reach for his heart. Like it was being squeezed, indescribable pain was sent in a shock wave through his system, breaking his composure. Naruto screamed into the forest, sending deer running for cover as the overpowering chakra began to crush down onto the land.  
Shikamaru was close enough to hear the distressed call through the trees. He tsked to himself, smashing his cigarette into the ground and pulling out another one. The pain, he knew, must be unimaginable, yet he knew as well as anyone else that there was nothing that could be done. It would be unfortunate, should the nine tails be released – he thought. But even more so, it would be soul crushing if Naruto were to follow.   
“He is already half way there.”


	3. On The Safest Ledge

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you haven't ever heard 'Sincerely hope it's you' by edith backlund, you should listen to it. I listen to it on repeat when i write.

A soft voice was what woke Naruto the following morning. It was too early, the sun was too bright, so perhaps it was also too late. The voice repeated his name like a soft bell in a faraway temple. It was erratic beauty in the quiet, peaceful world. Chiming the words of dawn, the bells rang with the sound of copper and sunshine and everything that was warm in the world. Nothing was quite as stunning as the feeling of the glaring autumn voice. Ethereal wonder struck his heart as it tolled again. And again. And again.  
And then it snuck in, the heavy door left wide open. The wood had splintered by now, left to rot in what seemed like years, an eternity. The walls of Naruto’s mind had to push past mindless barriers that guarded the memory that had wreaked havoc on the surrounding land like a mine. The memory that brought everything back to a black and white, colorless world had been exposed again.  
Sasuke, the voice seemed to say now, softly, like it was lifting a child from their sleep. Sasuke, the voice said louder, more aggressive. Sasuke, the voice seemed to scream now, the picture perfect image of the boy taking form in front of the quivering blonde. Quickly, Naruto began to push himself out of his sleep. The voice chased him on wards, sickly pale skin and bones wandering after him.  
When his eyes opened fully, they were greeted with a tuft of pale pink hair.  
“Naruto.” She said in a much fuller, pleasant voice than what she had held before. She was sitting on the edge of his bed, her hand on his forehead, caressing his face. In the distance, Kakashi stood, back to the door, leaning on the wooden frame. His eyes were aimed at the floor, unfocused, unconcerned. No, scratch that – very concerned.   
“I don’t wanna go on no stinking mission.” The young man pulled his blankets over his head, shielding his eyes back into sleep. A soft hand came quickly though, pulling the covers gingerly from his face. Sakura moved closer, leaning over him, a caring and sad smile plastered to her face.   
“I know.” Her voice came out like a cry, anguished and hurt. Only then did Naruto notice the somber air that filled his bedroom, like the smoke of a fire, warning and dangerous. It was hot like it too, suffocating.  
“I told you not to go sulking around, you fool.”   
Quickly, Naruto cast Kurama aside, not ready to hear his insidious voice quite yet. He wasn’t ready to face the fact that it was true – he was clearly not the only one hurting. Sakura, he knew, was hurting nearly as much as he. Love, he thought, must be her reason, as tarnished as it was. Why, he wondered, had she not let go of him yet? It was petty of her to love a man that clearly held no interest in her.  
“You’ll like this one though. Promise.” A slightly less sad smile crossed her features, though this one more forced than the last. Yes, Naruto thought, she was still in love.  
The blonde man pushed himself up onto his hands as Sakura stood from his bed. He ran a rough and calloused hand through his hair, pulling on the knotted strands. His sleep must have been irregular the night before. Nightmares, it seemed, had still been plaguing him, whether he remembered them or not.   
All of a sudden, Naruto was laying with his back once again flush with the mattress, the warmth of the sheets calling him back to sleep. He refused the call, in favor of the day light that was now more calming than the night, where his memories and loneliness seemed to get the better of him.   
“If you give me ten, I’ll be there.” He mumbled in his half sleeping state.   
What could possibly be good about this mission, he wondered. Was it the state of reprieve that it would give – getting him out of the village if only for a shirt amount of time? It was like swimming through tar, looking through mist – everything was thick and slow and the world was moving ahead still at breakneck speed.   
“Of course.”   
The bed moved as Sakura stood, giving more space to Naruto, laying still on the mattress. Distantly, he could hear whispering in his living room, a pitying, painstaking voice that spoke his name like it was a disease.   
Yes, he thought, leave. He was indeed a walking disease, living in the wicked and painful memory of a world that he had built in his own mind. Pitiful as it was, it was preferable to living amongst the sympathetic stares and glances. He was a disease that didn’t beg for mercy, but instead, gave into the pain.   
The kind of sick that never heals. 

Naruto was already there when they arrived, sitting on the window sill, his cape billowing in the wind like wings lit on fire. There was a golden halo of light around his head, his hair moving fluidly in the breeze. He stared into the distance atop the village and through the trees that were beyond the gate. He reached for the presence of the bright blue chakra that he spent so long searching for.   
Tsunade rested her eyes, holding a fist to her mouth. Her gaze had been nearly as frightened as the others, unsure, hyper aware.   
“We have a lead.” She started, opening her eyes and looking at Naruto with a sharp, penetrating gaze, though he was lost so deeply in his own head that it seemed he wasn’t even paying attention.   
“We have a lead, Naruto, on the men that killed Sasuke.   
The rise and fall of the young ninja’s chest stopped, the gale continuing to blow at his cape – a picture perfect image of his father. He closed his eyes, feeling the life of the village below him. This, he knew, would be his home one day – up atop this building. These were already his people to protect, he thought.  
But he had failed in that, losing the person that, if he was being honest with himself, was most important to him. He had long since lost the Sage he had called his sensei, but his comrades, his companion, his best friend – he was different.   
“When do we leave?” he asked, his voice monotonous.   
It was like reaching into the depths of his soul to find the courage to speak. The world around him was on fire and he was inside, burning with passion and rage. Ragged breath slipped past Naruto’s lips, catching on the breeze and floating onwards, singed by the flames. Everything- everyone – was burning as lightning pounded the earth with bolts the size of mountains.   
The world would burn for this, he promised. The world would see what they had done wrong – they were foul and evil. They had killed the innocent.  
They would pay.   
Naruto reached with his chakra, feeling for the slightest glimmer of hope. There was no Sasuke, nothing that would even indicate his presence. The blue that had twinkled like a star in the sky for so long in his life was invisible – taken in the wind. It had blown away so swiftly and effortlessly that he wondered where it had gone. Why hadn’t it faded like death reaching out a finger to entrance the tired, the waiting?  
It seemed to him, that Sasuke had been waiting for his whole life. Perhaps, he thought, that was why his end had come so seamlessly.   
“When you are ready.” Tsunade said, but Naruto didn’t respond, lost again in his mental world. His team stood, watching him. He knew they were – people were always watching him with those eyes. They had his entire life, only now, they were sad rather than fearful.  
Kakashi and Sakura were the same – Sai was the only one that didn’t seem to watch him with a pitiful look dangling from his eyes. Naruto knew it was him too, that watched him at night and through the day – though it was only his assignment, he was sure.   
Naruto became aware of a voice speaking to him softly through his void.  
“I’ve been ready. I was just waiting.”  
“For what?”  
“For your word.”   
“Naruto?” Sakura’s voice came out weak, like a dandelion on a windy day. He stopped, looking to her through the open window.  
“Ya?”  
“Is there any chance that he...”  
“No. There isn’t.” Commanding her to stop, Naruto stood and looked directly at her, daring her to move, his eyes a blazing fire, his pupils flattened and heavy. His hair was floating and he seemed even more ethereal than he had before. Through his eyes, colors seemed brighter and the black and white of the world was less gray and more like blue. Everything had stopped and the only thing moving was in the distance, a chirping like a bird, barely singing in the wind. It was subtle and beautiful and every one of his instincts told him to reach further.   
“Sasuke is gone. But fuck the people that took him.”  
The room was silent, caught in a dumbfounded confusion. Melodrama was the medium and it was at its worst, dripping like sarcasm from Naruto, riveting in its sudden appearance.   
Sakura made a move towards Naruto, but Kakashi put an arm out before she could finish it. There was warning in the way his hands shook slightly- the only visible form of his anxiety. He was obviously distressed, just as much so as the others were, though his containment was better.  
“We’ll leave now then.” He said, addressing the Hokage directly. She nodded once – a simple address.  
Everyone stood still, silent, alone in their own bodies, for what seemed like forever. It was a rushed sort of silence, one that only comes to serve a sentence to the enemy. Naruto had heard this silence many times before – the first being the day that Sasuke had left.   
Had I been stronger, he thought. Had I kept him home. Had I kept my promise. There were so many “what ifs” swimming through his head, it felt like he was drowning.   
“Swim to the surface, Naruto.” Kurama whispered from the depths where he had been sleeping for so long now. Naruto confirmed his acknowledgement of his friend, pulling his mind back in from the mountains where it had sat, listening to the chirping birds. As the birds faded, so did the anxiety swelling in Kurama’s stomach, blanketing the dim white snow on the mountain tops in a hushed calm.   
Even back in the Hokage’s office, the birds continued to chirp, singing like larks in the spring.   
“They are looking for their mate.” Kurama said, reliving his existence once more.   
“Are you ready, Naruto?” Kakashi asked, already standing near the door. The young ninja hopped through the open window, walking towards his team mates.  
“Ya. Im ready.”


	4. I'm Safer on an Airplane

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's like this story is back from the dead or something!!? No, these chapters were just posted elsewhere and got deleted from my computer somehow.

The wind was bitterly cold as it nipped at Naruto's ears and cheeks. His eyes were nearly forced shut by the stinging sensation that it brought them. The trees were orange like the sunset behind them and Kakashi stood out brightly in front of him.

Naruto hadn't the slightest idea of where they were going, but he had been promised that they would stop at dark and discuss the mission further. That time was, of course, nearing – seemingly faster so now than an hour before.

Breezing by ever so softly, Sakura passed Naruto, coming to rest beside Kakashi. They were whispering to each other – something somber by the look of it. Of course, everyone seemed to have sobered up quite a bit lately, even the brightest stars having faded into something barely visible through the village smog.

Naruto frowned.

Suddenly, Kakashi and Sakura came to a stop, disappearing from the treetops into the forest floor below. Naruto hit the ground without even the softest of sounds and looked to his comrades.

"We done for today?"

"We have things to talk about."

"Like what?" There was an eerie deadpan to Naruto's voice, a shuddering mourning sound like a teenager who claims to hate their parents. No one looked at him, averting their eyes towards the ground, Sakura scuffing her sandals on the grass, tearing it up with her toes.

"We need you…" She trailed off for a moment, choosing her words carefully. "To do something for us, Naruto."

Suspicion crept up into Naruto's chest, seething through his eyes.

Kakashi stepped forward. "We have reason to believe that whomever killed Sasuke is planning on harnessing his chakra with the purpose of –"

"Stealing his Jutsu…" Naruto finished.

"Well….Yes."

"And you want me to find the body?"

"Your sage abilities might allow you to do that, yes."

Naruto huffed deeply in his chest – he knew what this meant. When he had been sent on this mission, he had left with vengeance on his mind, although it seemed that all the Hokage wanted was the ensured safety of a village without a weakness. She wanted to make sure that Sasuke remained theirs, even in death.

Calloused fingers massaged firm, tan arms, using anxiety to lubricate the tensing muscles that only seemed to tense more.

"It doesn't matter." Naruto said. "I can't find him."

Sakura knitted her eyebrows together, frowning. "Well maybe if you just tried harder?"

"Ya, I'll just try harder. That should do it."

"Naruto, I didn't mean-"

"No, I'm sorry, Sakura." In a move of finality, Naruto swung his bag off of his back, throwing it heavily onto the ground.

"I'll do my best." He said. "But I can't make a promise."

He settled into the grass, miles away from their campsite in a clearing, surrounded by flowers that were the color of lilacs but even more beautiful than when they are covered in morning sun. It was late now, at least midnight, and the stars were even brighter than the sun was big.

Naruto pressed his hands together in a meditative motion and breathed into them, sending his chakra from his fingers, into his head and down through his stomach where it rested before being breathed back into nature.

He began to search – the thousands of miniscule chakras around him barely even on his radar.

He is your sun.

Waves began to bend around him, water rising high towards his throat, engulfing him and swarming his lungs with salt.

Do you dare to ask for him back?

There was a feeling like a butterfly landing on his shoulder and then a warmth that spread through his soul, sending the water slowly down his body until he could breathe again. Still, Naruto kept his eyes shut, not wanting to dispel the illusion.

Do you dare to see what he has become?

The world changed like lightening lit up the sky, the world becoming clearer but only a silhouette, snow cascading down the artifice of his mind. Carved into the mountain side, there was a door, brilliant white amidst the stone.

Do you dare to find out what has become of you?

And suddenly the world was green again, flowers like lilacs popping through the ground and cascading into the forest. Still, the feeling of a butterfly remained in Naruto's shoulder. It began to caress his cheek.

"Do you dare to feel?" A voice, this one unlike the one of Naruto's subconscious, whispered into his ear, the heat of its breath whisping past his cheek.

Naruto's eyes shot open. He had been there, just then – an even more vivid than usual image of his best friend, laying his hand sickeningly atop his skin. He had been bone white like always but even more bones than before. Yes, sickly was the right term. A dying, lifeless Sasuke that he never wanted to face, but always wanted to exist.

"Do I dare…" He started. "To face what I feel?"

The young man reached up, brushing his fingers over his shoulder, remembering the butterfly touch that had landed there, safe in the wind. Its wings still fluttered like angels kissing his cheek with their warmth. And, oh god, it was like being awoken by a knife in your chest.

And then, just as suddenly as it had landed before, the butterfly was back, though holding grace to his back this time. Naruto turned around, facing a tired and worried looking young girl with her pale pink hair pulled into a ponytail. She knelt down beside him, taking her hand and placing it gently on his face, tracing the circles around his eye with her thumb.

"Do you even sleep anymore?" Her face feel even more so when he didn't respond. Her body fell into contact with the grass as she laid herself down on it, careful not to disturb the sprouting flowers. Watching the sky, Sakura patted the ground, telling Naruto to lay down beside her.

Wordlessly, he joined her, content to star gaze.

"You were his world." Sakura started, giving a small jolt to Naruto's stomach. "And he loved you."

"He loved to beat me."

"No, he loved you. Trust me."

Naruto looked to the sky – the stars were even brighter than before. It was like staring into the heavens – he wondered if Sasuke was there now. Or if he wasn't, would he have been looking at the same sky? Would he have been there beside them, waiting for morning to come to relieve another sleepless night?

There was nothing in the world that could stop the stomach wrenching, pulling agony that was beginning to take root in his stomach now, prying open his mouth in an attempt to escape the cluttered cage that it had been trapped in. Kurama was certainly upset with him by now.

It was wicked sweet misery that was settling between him and his other colleague – his friend. Both were trapped in their own heads at this point, although it was obviously starting to become more like their hearts, as logic took a back seat to the driving forces.

Dying was less painful that this, Naruto thought. Surely this was some kind of cruel trick that the gods were playing on him – Sasuke wasn't really gone. Though the more days that past, the more he came to terms with the idea and the further he got from it. It seemed that it hurt even more every day and, should it continue like that – how long could it continue like that?

A choked sob flung itself from Naruto's chest as a strained tear rolled down his cheek.

Do you dare…?

The ominous voice whispered to him – Sasuke whispered in the background. His ever grabbing voice was clarity in the darkness, leading Naruto onwards and through the forest, towards the large mountain with the marble white door and brass handles. His voice was the bittersweet melody of salvation and the sound of his heart, beating rhythmically in his chest that seemed to rip open in agony. It was first hand pain and the feeling of mourning without ever ending – no one ever seemed to forget something so vivid.

"I remember the day Tsunade told us…." Sakura said, now crying as well. "I wanted to help you Naruto." The young girl paused to catch her rattling breath. "I've never seen someone in so much pain before. When will you just say it, you idiot?"

The flood gates opened then, releasing the tears that had been building up in Naruto's caged chest along with Kurama who seemed to float wordlessly in the sea. It was a wailing siren that released itself from his throat as the young man curled in on himself, rocking onto his side.

Once again, Sakura reached out a helping hand, wanting only to aid in her friend's pain but to no avail. It seemed that, once again, she was useless in the spell of madness that seemed to overtake him, body and soul.

"What do you want me to say!?" He wailed into the night.

"What do you want me to say, Sasuke!?"

Her breath caught in her chest and she brought a hand up to press it through. It was like watching someone have their life taken from them, a ninja being told they couldn't walk, a mother leaving her child behind.

Naruto dissolved into more sobs, his moment of near rational thinking having slipped through his fingers. Then, like a voice in the wind, his whispered:

"I love you."

Sakura broke then as well, having heard what she had waited years to hear. Something that Sasuke, she knew, had waited long for as well and had left the world not having heard. She could only hope that, wherever he was, he could hear his friend in only those words – solemn as the situation was. If he were to see Naruto though – she knew his heart would have broken; anyone's would have. Seeing a grown man cry isn't on anyone's bucket list, specifically the person that you have spent your whole life loving.

Did he die saying his name? Did he die wishing that he had gotten to say goodbye to his friend – that their last interaction hadn't been as dreadful as it had been?

There was wordless agony painted in those thoughts that no one else could fathom, much less understand. But Sakura, having spent so much of her own life lusting after someone that would never see her like he saw the one lying beside her. It was a pity that things were as such, but none the less, they were falling like rain tends to do. A ninja's duty was, after all, to their village and everyone knew that the day would come when you saw a friend die. No one ever dreamed that it would be the one that they loved.


	5. Eat, Sleep, Repeat

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Honestly, this writing is not where it should be BUT I DON'T EVEN CARE HAVE AT IT

The four ninja left footsteps of varying size in the shallow snow that coated the ground. They were walking slowly, giving Naruto time to search, reaching the tendrils of his mind outwards in search of Sasuke. He was tired – that much was obvious. His shoulders were slumped towards the ground, echoing the contours of his facial features when he, once again, failed at finding the Uchiha through the rough morning mist.

The world looked as though it had been drawn in pencil, the shape of the trees chalky and smudged along each other, blending into the background. Everything was dead, including the faces of the people that trudged through the snow. Naruto was unresponsive – he had been since early that morning and Sakura wasn't the only one to notice his strange behavior this time.

His lag time was becoming longer and longer, advancing further behind with seemingly every step. There was hardly anything between his ears at this point, a slurred mess of words that were too far gone to even be coherent. He didn't dare to speak any of them.

Kakashi stopped, looking back at his student with a look of great pity written in the tired planes of his face.

"Perhaps we should rest for a while." He suggested. This was returned with nods of two of the group members and a blank faced stare by the other one. His were suddenly awe-struck, wondering befitting a child settling upon his adult features.

"I can feel him."

Like a pulse within the earth, the entire group turned to stare at the Juichuriki. Their hearts seemed to beat even faster now than they had ever before as Naruto settled onto his knees, placing a hand on the cold earth, the snow melting below his fingertips.

"His chakra…." He bowed his head. "It feels like sunshine." And it did – like sunshine breaking through the trees, reaching its long fingers towards him to touch his face with a caring gaze. It was like losing his breath when he ran to meet him.

But it was faint, the single ray that chased towards him, dying in the sunset. A flashing white light in a sea that sat within the never ending heart of a storm. It was sadder than losing him – seeing the last bit of light that his body held.

This, Naruto presumed, was what Kakashi was talking about – this was his Chakra that they were stealing. Or maybe, he thought, they already had. It was a dangerous thought, though it seemed more probable than anything else these days.

The young ninja stood, looking to his comrades.

"I have a direction. We need to continue north east towards the land of lightning."

"Past Kumo?" Sakura knit her brows together.

"No surprise there." Interrupting the question, Kakashi began to speak. "Sasuke possesses not on a multitude of jutsu, but one of the strongest lightning techniques in the world. I can't say I'm surprised to find out where he is…"

The group nodded in agreement. Naruto continued to bow his head as he stopped.

"We need to hurry." He said, waiting. "I can barely sense his chakra, but it is there – they either already have it extracted, or they will soon."

"But where exactly are we going?" Sai interjected, speaking for the first time in hours.

"I don't really know yet…"

A moment of raw sadness flashed through Naruto's eyes, leaving behind the softest trace, a teasing trail of it running across his features. He didn't like to submit to his own heartache, especially not amongst other ninja. Rolling his head to the side, cracking his neck in the process, he began to walk ahead.

"We should get as far as possible today – we don't want the cold to kill us first."

The group continued on for hours without stopping. Biting through the cold, they powered forward, the tips of their hair frozen to their faces, crisp with snow. The air smelled like pine trees, clean like the white ground. Everything was silent, the forest seemingly empty other than the crunching of their footfalls.

Naruto, not quite as far behind as he had once been, struggled against the wind, still trying desperately to hold onto the dissipating chakra in the distance. Interrupting it though, was a slowly approaching chakra from the west.

Quickly approaching.

He stopped abruptly, holding up the others who looked back at him, distressed. Silencing them, Naruto put a finger to his lips and lowered his other, crouching slowly.

A kunai came from the side, exactly where he had anticipated, easily dodging it. A man appeared in front of him, attempting an attack but failing miserably as Naruto seamlessly deflected it. The other members of the team stood poised, ready to attack. The man moved no further though, only holding his kunai to the other.

"You mustn't."

"I mustn't what?" Naruto pushed back roughly with his kunai, sending the other ninja sprawling

"Please…" he murmured from the ground, kneeling slowly. "He doesn't wish for visitors…" then the ninja vanished, a puff of smoke leaving itself in his wake.

"A shadow clone." Kakashi said, appearing next to the blonde.

Everyone stared in silence at the spot on which the ninja had vanished. No one spoke – for fear or not, it was inarticulate.

"Who do you think he was talking about?" Sakura mumbled.

Sai raised a hand to his chin. "It is…unclear."

The group continued on their trek through the mountains, awaiting further instruction from their guide, who continued to straggle in the back. Not for lack of trying, of course. Naruto found that his attention remained on the mountain top where he had last seen Sasuke – felt his wary and drying chakra. This left his momentum trailing, falling further and further behind the group as their journey went on. Sasuke was more important at the moment, tearing his heart away from his body and leading him out into the wintry depths of snow – would they even be able to find his body, hidden in these caves?

The familiar feeling of dread and loss began to overtake Naruto and he slowly fell further and further behind, his comrades turning to check on him every few minutes. They could all easily read the depression in his features – his downtrodden body raking the ground. it was such a pity to see a happy person in such a state – miserable by their own lack of affection. As unfortunate as it was though, no one had the heart to tell him there would be an end to it. They all knew what an end meant – it was accepting the loss of the person closest to him.

The group stopped as Kakashi did, turning to face them.

"We will set up here for the night." He said, looking towards the grey sky above. It was like a cloud had laid its head over the entire world. It was the opium world desire that had cast its mist into the walls of the villages to dissuade them from living their dreams – that was how Naruto saw it. It was dusk white shadows of depression and a constant feeling of not belonging and the only place you belonged being gone. It was the looming nightmare that sleep would bring with it and the cold hands that cradled him at night – death holding onto your coattail. Everything in the world was a fine wire depression – endless and dark like the empty mountain caverns that they would undoubtedly come across.

The group settled down for the night, the unmistakable chill of winter settling into their bones and wrapping its unforgiving hands around them.


	6. Where's My Head?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Is it wrong for me to post like 6 chapters in one day? no? okay

The darkness was soul crushing, bone wracking coldness and damp. The wind was fervently chill with wisps like kisses on Saturday mornings from your lover. Perhaps the ground was cold because the stone matched the hands that touched it, but yet they were so warm like the world's own soul. It was bare - a broken piece of history, hidden in the deepest part of the canyons and crevices, stealing time and sanctuary from broken promises. In the darkness, everything was pure – unmarred by time and the people that do nothing but harm those around them. The darkness is oblivious to our sins and our mistakes. To our passions and who we are passionate about – in itself, this was sin for him. Scars were pressed flat like they had never happened, the meaning of beauty corrupted by sightlessness. His heart was the ugliest thing of all.

But truth, like morality, is a relative affair: there are no facts, only interpretations. He finds himself thinking about this quite often. The looming questions stirs his mind when the candles break his world and shatter the darkness that has kept him safe for what feels like so long now.

Chains rattle as his arms fall beside him, dragging limply on the ground. The slack falls with them and a loud clattering echoes as they hit the cement ground. He tilts his head from side to side, wishing thoughts away with only the power of will and the depths of black on his side.

He can feel the gritty floor underneath his fingers and he grasps at it, pilling the dirt between his fingers. While he can't see it through the black air around him, he knows that it is there. As sure as he is that the truth is all lies, he is sure that the ground it decaying as he speaks. Thinking that someday it will have completely eroded away makes him wonder. It makes him curious as to the world around him; the one that can barely be seen through the thick stone walls and floor of his cage.

With all the time he has had to think about where he is, he is yet to find a better word for it. He tried cell, room, prison, confine, but none of them seemed appropriate for the way he has been trapped. There is no way out, he is sure of that, making cage the only appropriate term in this situation. Even then though, there is something missing. A bird could fly through their bars; escape if they did so will it. But as he very well knew, his wings were pinned and bolted.

Time has taught him these things and age has told him not to question them. Among the lessons he has already stated are others, some violent, some small, but all of them dark. They have always been as gloomy as the world around him, the one he can't see past. All the lessons have done is convince him to side with evil rather than good because evil holds fear as its predecessor and that is what people will understand.

An arm slips out from under him. He lies there for a moment, contemplating what kind of situation must have put his head so close to the ground. His hands reach up to feel for any bleeding and return peacefully to the floor when they find none. He looks up at what one would suspect is a ceiling with his arms and legs making stars on either side of him.

You see, truth, much like morality, is only based on the assumption that we see all things the same way. But that is never the case.

Naruto woke with a start, his breath catching in his throat as a gust of ice cold chakra rolled through his chest. He sat up straight, a kunai brandished in his right hand, his left ready to block an attack, but nothing came. Instead, the chakra began to fade into the night – nothing more than a memory. The world was still despite his heavy breathing, fast and hard. Sakura continued to sleep beside him, but Kakashi too had awoken, having heard the other stir in his sleep.

"Did you feel them too?" Naruto asked, his kunai falling to his lap.

"Feel who?"

"Sasuke…I felt him…just now." Crest fallen, he looked to his lap, not in shame but longing. Kakashi's face fell too.

He could see it – written in Naruto's features – his disappointment. It had become clear over the weeks that he was still holding onto some sort of hope. Not that Kakashi wanted to crush it, but there was the fleeting thought that ran through his head in that moment – so early in the morning – that wanted to remind Naruto that Sasuke was dead. He was gone. But he could not deny the fading chakra that still lingered in the air – a crisply blowing, ice like chakra. For a moment, he thought of the haunting protection that Sasuke seemed to hold on Naruto, like a warm hand on a shoulder – so different from what his touch was really like.

"You loved him."

"Only like a friend."

"No," Kakashi paused, and placed his hands on Naruto's arms. "Like a lover." He looked into the young man's eyes and say the passing, glazed stare that they knew all the well at this point. It was a look of painstaking sobriety. It was the look of someone who had loved and lost – it was something that Kakashi knew.

"We all see how this has broken you, Naruto. It isn't something that you can turn on and off." Shame began to adorn the blonde boy's sullen features.

"I do not doubt that he cared for you greatly."

"But as a friend."

There was nothing that the fellow Shinobi knew to say to this – the truth was the only thing that need be breeched at this point and the Uchiha didn't wear his heart on his sleeves quite like Naruto did. The blonde boy smiled quirkily, a bit unsettling, and laid back down on his sleeping bag. With his eyes to the stars, he started to count them, living in a world where each one brought him closer to where he needed to be.

They continued on the next day, trekking through the mountains and the tumbling snow. It had started falling again, gracing their features with delicate white flakes like lace. The wind quickly blew it away though, the beauty of winter disappearing in the loneliness and quite of the valleys. If Naruto was being honest, he was amazed that no one had been pushed over by the force of the air pressure yet – they seemed to be impossibly high up by now.

The darkness caressed his features, pulling him forward, closer to the mouth of the cave. Never had he ventured so close to the bars of his cage – invisible as they were, they were still dangerous. Only in his mind of course, but who needed to be seen at times like this, when you were going so far out of your way to be hidden, yet to touch those who you cared for – reaching out in the darkness for them like lightening to a tree.

A gust of wind flew by so quickly that it almost did catch Naruto off guard, the others looking back at him when his breath hitched audibly in his throat. He fell to his knees, clutching his chest with his hands, ripping at his coat. A scream tore through his throat, sending the others in a panic, running towards him.

"I feel him…" He whispered through gritted teeth. "Sasuke, I feel him inside me."

Like lightening through a storm, the wind flashed through Naruto once again, shattering his soul with ungodly strength. It seemed to caress him, lay a hand so gently on his face. Maybe it was the lightening that did that though, as the electricity that it sent through his spine felt like finding flowers on a summer day, so far from the snowy mountain top that they were on.

The boy edged closer to the edge of the cave, watching the snow fall just beyond the mouth. His hand rested gently on the walls, feeling the hard, rough edges beneath his fingertips. How long, he wondered, would he be stuck in there, waiting for freedom to grace him?

A gust of wind blew through the cave, thrashing at the boy's bare skin – a reminder of why he loved the darkness so much as he did. The Darkness was his home, his life. It gave him the freedom that he so desperately wanted – allowed him solace from their prying eyes and disdain fueled gazes. But the wind tore through his soul today, causing an aching pain where his heart would have been. It wasn't loneliness that hurt todays – it was the knowledge that soon, he wouldn't have to be.


End file.
